Hilarity

I laughed fairly hard at this particular clip from deadpsin.

Very hard, I could watch this maybe 200 to 300 times in a row.

Been A While.

Its been a while. It's almost tim for me to go back to school, to prove to Dad I'm not a fool. But yeah, I'll post more soon. Cause all of my readers are so damn stressed about this...yeah, totally.

Destined to Fail

This movie doesn't look terrible, but I'm pretty sure its destined to fail. Its really hard to get any sucess when your one of the main characters in a 7 part series.



That might just be me tho.

Great Weekend

The Yanks have a five game series against the Red Sox this weekend. This is probably the most important five game series of the season, it might even be the only five game series of the year. This is pretty damn nuts. As of right now its Yankees 1, Redsox nothing.

Good thing this Red Sock is hurt:



Some observations so far:

Damon led off the game with a triple, he was booed. He would eventually score

A Rod was also booed, leading Michael Kay to say "He must think this is a home game." Sometimes I hate Michael Kay. A Rod popped out.

Just found out it was 47 years since the Yanks and Socks had a five game series. Thanks Ken Singleton.

Wang had an uneventful first, but let two get into the outfield (one shallow and one deep) which could be cause for concern, but we'll see how it plays out.

Manny doesn't even look like he's playing baseball when he's in the outfield. He took his glove, FUCK, as I typed this he caugh a slow line drive off Jorge cause he was playing the field perfectly.

Craig Wilson said "I heard that these two teams don't like eachother or something like that" Ken Singleton told me it was a deadpan humour type thing.

I'll make one last observation as Melky comes up. FUCK! Lowell made an awesome catch into the Yankee dugout. Damnit.


UPDATE Damon hit a two run homerun, which was nice. Then Giambi hit an RBI single through the shift. I love seeing him hit through a shirt.


UPDATE A lot of other stuff happened ending with a 12-4 victory for the yanks. I hope they keep the momentum rolling into tonight, that would be very nice.

God Damnit

Do you ever spend all day lookin forward to a rousing night out in the city, only to have it cancelled mere minutes before kickoff. Then, on your trainride home new plans present themselves, which is too late cause ur on the the damn train. Not to mention you get shushed by a deutschbag wearing a matching trucker hat and shirt combo fucker. Oh and you sunglasses, probably the nicest thing you wear, are also broken. Thank god for cell phone blog rants.

Things That Make Me Laugh Outloud

This


(thanks deadspin!)

The Giants Freakin Rule

I figured I might aswell link to this post on the New York Giants at Deadspin. It's supposed to be a Season Preview, but its mostly about the early nineties (the generation that went to high school then is getting to the point where anything after the glory days did not happen) and starter jackets. Its still awesome tho.

So is this audio clip.

The End All, Be All Question

I just think its funny that the Bug at the bottom of the screen in this clip is so subtle. Of course it was on MSNBC. As Colbert put it, "Putting something on that network is almost as good as classifying it."



(Update:A search of "Colbert, MSNBC" on YouTube brought up this video. Not sure how that relates, but whatever, you know I like found object domino's)

Update!!!!

MANBEARPIG HAS DIED!

If you are unfamiliar with manbearpig, please watch the informative clip below.




(stole this entire idea from deadspin commments! rock!)

The Kind Of Pet That's Fun for The Whole Family

Apparently crazy southerner Britney Spears is making her husband Kevin Federline, aka "K-Fed" (genius nickname, probably took a super long time coming up with it) give up his pet sharks.

Yup, Sharks.

She thinks it will be dangerous to have sharks and kids in the same house. I personally think that having a dad who wants pet sharks is dangerous enough, and actually having the sharks might actually improve their situation. Cuase, you know, there's a chance Britney or Kevin could fall in.

Safety Tip

Apparently breast implants have become the new shrapnel proof vest. According to this article at MSNBC.com a woman was hit in the chest with a piece of shrapnel. Apparently this would have killed her had it not been stopped inches from her heart by her breast implant.

Now I kinda pictured Israel as a very religious area where not many people would have, you know, breast implants. So I'm guessing that no one knew, and now her family is going to disown her. Win some, lose some.

Things That Put Me In A Good Mood Today

1) Not having to do anything today.

2) Sleeping in, and after getting up at 10 sitting in my underwear till noon 'cause I could.

3) Moving back to the Bronx for school next week.

4) Yanks breaking ground on their new stadium.

5) Wanting to post about the new Yankee Stadium, but because of laziness put item in list instead of actually writing about it.

Cooking Made Techno!

I would actually probably watch the food network if they had a show that was edited like this, but i'm kinda weird like that.

I Have Nothing To Say

I just wanted to post this, because for no apparent reason it made me laugh very hard in the middle of the day.

Dude, You're Getting A...

Well, you're probably not going to be happy with what you're getting. Apparently Dell computers have been blowing up.


That's right, the computers that this man hawked so that he could buy more weed, are exploding. I really wanna see Mac turn this into a new ad campaign. That would be funny, you know, if they blew up the guy who plays the PC.

Holy Toledo!

For some reason the good folks at blogger are only showing the post about the 9/11 movie down on the front page. I have no idea why, maybe because that post was so profound that they felt it had to be displayed properly. Maybe becuase everything else was utter shite and they took it down. If that were the case, however, they would take this whole mess down and ban me from blogging for life. Hope it is all fixed in the morning.


And now they wont let me post the pic of the monolith from 2001 a Space Odessy. God damnit. Oh well, here it is, borderless.fixed

NYC: Where Extra Time Is Dangerous

I'm going out to dinner with my family tonight. I will leave my office at some time around 6 O'Clock, and our reservation isn't until 7:30. I will probably go to a bar, because, well it's New York City and I'm not going to hang around times square looking at the signs for an hour (which I actually kind of enjoyed doing until a professor turned it into a project).

That gives me one and a half hours to kill. It will be happy hour. This could be bad. Luckily my trusty sidekick better half (I swear I typed that first babe) will be there to make sure I don't look like this guy.

But I know myself and, alas, I will probably embarass myself infront of friends and family. I just hope they all get a laugh at me so that my efforts are not in vain.

(Note To Self: Whatever you do say no to tequila, and champagne, and wine, just stick to beer and you will be fine you drunken fool)

Childhood

I was recently having a discussion about how many time I should have died, or at least been brutally maimed while growing up. Stories of broken glass showering my bodie, wheelie attempts that ended with a bike, sans rider, rolling across the yard on one whilewhile the said rider lied on the ground, and several other stories that my parents have specific wrinkles and baldspots for. And this one on my forehead next to my eye was from the time you played with a BB Gun to fairly unfortunate results (note: googling images of ouch or ow for something funny to put here is NSFW, and gross, god damnit)

Well today I stumbled across an article at The Phat Tree that further reminds me that it is nothing short of a miracle that I survived through middle school. I would provide highlights, but I already passed off copying and pasting as a post once today, and it would be nothing short of blasphemy were I to do it twice. Just enjoy.

Rules To Live By

Well I just read the new commandments, and they are awesome. I have to give credit to Karmic Payback for posting this site and giving me something to do today. I’m talking about The Modern Drunkard.

Over the last few hours I have been taking a few short breaks to read one or two of the items on their 86 Rules of Booze and they have been quite enjoyable. I suggest you all (aka me) read them in your spare time. Some of my personal favs:

11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up. You know who you are

20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks. I've Done this, but and not known as that. At least not that I know of.

24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence. I've definately done that ::shudders::

31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one. fuckers

38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him. kinda wish I had no idea what that was like

41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking. I must have looked like %150!

54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean. What If you get up quickly

55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English. Sorry about that one time.

66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.” Or too drunk to read!

68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar. Ziggy Stardust's Spots Bar Patrons take notice, dicks

75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious. For what all of them do together, read number 55, sorry again

84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it. In case anyone wants to buy me a gift

Read them all, those are just the ones that made me either chuckle or take a serious look at myself...and chuckle.

(EDIT: Fixed my broken links)

God Damnit

Peter King just ruined my day by pointing this out. WHY?!

Stat of the Week

The New York Giants have hit the 2006 scheduling trifecta; they own the toughest slate of regular season games by any measure.

I mean, I know they have a hard schedule, but pointing out to me that they are destined to lose before the season starts isn't nice to do to me on monday, you bastard.

Vaction's All I've Ever Wanted

Well I'm home from vacation and I've missed a lot, so I think i'll play catchup.

The New York Giants won their preseason opener on the legs of that guy who ran that kickoff back late in the game, and not the starters.


The Yanks lost a series to the Angels, again. I fucking hate the Angels, god damnit!

I am only now realizing that I might have left my debit card on the floor of some bar down at the Jersey Shore (AWESOME!) Also, at that same bar some guy from KROCK FreeFM took my picture for use on the internet. No word on where it is yet.

I have to go back to school next week. I need to clean my room at my house there very badly.

Something happened in the real world that involved planes, but no snakes. It was scary and you couldn't even drink cheap liqour on the plane to calm yourself down because terrorists figured out a way to make bombs out of liquid things.

Thats about all I can think of right now. Fuck I wish I hadn't lost my ATM card! I need coffee, and I'm going to go get it. Goodbye.

Woah!

This will blow your mind. I've always wanted to try doing this, but I never bothered to set anything up. Well its not an original idea anymore, so there that goes.



Trippy man.

Drive Time

Well It's about that time again.

Its time for me to drive all the way to the Jersey Shore from Fairfield CT (with a nice stopoff in brooklyn)

It's 4pm now, I'm hoping to get there by 10. I love looong drives!

I Participated and You Don't Care

I voted today, and it made national news. That’s right, I voted in Connecticut, the place that it technically my home. Perhaps you heard the news, but our senator, Joe Lieberman, might lose the democratic primary to Ned Lamont. I voted for Lamont.

Ordinarily I wouldn’t use this space to post about politics, but ordinarily I am the only reader in this space, so fair is fair. Plus I’ve had a little to drink, and feel like it! So there!

The reason I voted for Lamont was mostly the war issue. Not entirely, but a good portion. I happen to feel that Lieberman is leaning toward a Zionist standpoint, which means he would do anything to protect Israel. Not that I want Israel destroyed, far from it, I just feel that Lieberman might risk American lives to protect Israel, which is not the job of a US Senator. Now that I got that off my chest, I should post something more light-hearted.

Ooo! I just read that Goodall is the NFL’s new comish! Good for him. Please, as your first order of business, take away the new flexible scheduling plan given to NBC. I happen to work part time at one of the two main networks that broadcasts NFL games (the one with Phil Simms, not Joe Buck). I would like to get a job there full time one day. They won’t have money for jobs if you take away the best games.

In other lighthearted news, Michelle Wie did something besides win an LPGA event and still people seem to write about it.

Soon To Be Armed

Apparently some woman in Brooklyn was having a verbal fight with her step father. Like many people engaged in verbal fights she threw whatever was lying around at him. What was lying around was a pair of scissors. Usually this doesn't turn to much more then a bunch of F-Bombs. In this case, however, she hit him in the heart and he died. That's luck for you.

Well apparently this charmed woman has a myspace page. From the about me section:

MY NAME IS LYN...IM IN LOVE WITH MY GIRL JEN.... I WILL BE 27 VERY SOON. I AM A LEO. I AM A SINGLE PROUD PARENT OF MY BEAUTIFUL 2 IN A HALF[sic] YEAR OLD MODEL DAUGHTER ALEXA JANAE. I AM A SECURITY GUARD. SOON TO BE A ARMED GUARD.

I Hope that whole armed guard thing works out for you Lyn!

Oh Yeah, And This

Travis Pastrana probably has some sort of mental problem. I remember when he first showed up he was a 15 year old phenom that lived with his parents. Now he's a 23 year old phenom that still lives with his parents (I actually don't know that for a fact). Having said that, he is crazy.

Fun With Treadmills

I saw this a while back but never really thought to post it. Remember that OK GO! video from a little while ago? The only reader, me, responds with a resounding "YES!!!" Well they have a new one out online and its pretty good. You don't say! Well show it to me then.

Well, here it is! ALRIGHT

Awesome conversation with yourself!

And You Thought You Were Bored

I'm willing to bet you haven't stacked everything in your apartment in a manner that will cause it all to be knocked down in 2 minutes.

And Your Parents Said You Wouldn't Amount To Anything

They didn't you would one day do this at the World Street Performer Championship.

The Real LT

This is something that's been getting on my nerves for a while now, so I figure I might as well bitch about it here. Its in regards to this gentleman right here.


It's a bad habit amongst NFL people to call this man, whose name happens to be LaDainian Tomlinson, LT. He is not LT. He never will be LT. I only give one person a free pass to call him LT, and that is Joe Theisman (more on that later)

Allow me to now present you with LT.

He sometimes looked like this


Lawrence Fucking Taylor. That is who LT is. You can not call LaDainian Tomlinson LT, unless of course, your name is Joe Theisman.

Why Joe Theisman? Well I'm pretty sure Theisman has tried to pretend that LT doesn't exist. If you haven't seen the video of this play, then you won't understand (Warning: Don't watch if you don't like really bad injuries shown from the Reverse Angle in Super Slow Mo)

(Update:I totally forgot to preface this as an idea for the upcoming NFL season, as to not make it seem like I ripped off Jimmy Kimmel.)

Open Letter To The Sun

Dear Sun,

While I enjoy the fact that you warm the earth, give us light, and prevent us all from dying a horrible cold death, I would appreciate it if you could scale back the whole UV thing a little bit.

--Well Wisher

Yup, I'm sunburned. Not like pink, oh it will be tan next week sunburn. It's the 7 layers deep actually making me physically ill sunburn. Its worse then a bad hangover. My feet are burned, so it hurts to wear shoes. Of course my face isn't bad, so no one believes me. I swear its bad. I need to lie down, with a drink, a verrrrry stiff drink.

Things I Learned Last Night

If you want to enjoy the bulk of your night without winding up as the drunken asshole in someone else's blog don't drink champagne, plus beer, plus tequila. Its 3:20, and I still feel like I've been shot. I mostly blame the tequila.

Tonight!

Before I begin this post I would like to point out that I write this blog as if there were actual readers. Of course someone did comment that I drink as much as her, which makes sense, cause I drink a lot (and apparently she does). So with that out of the way, my post.

If anyone who happens to stumble aimlessly to this blog happens to be in the Lower East Side area of NYC tonight you should stop by Niagra.My old band How I Became A Pirate is playing there for free. Cool!

Drinking Games

It recently occured to me that drinking games are some of the most fun that can be had at the beginning of the night, or in the afternoon, or the morning, or pretty much whenever.



Drinking Games have also become the perfect way to turn any event into an excuse to get plastered. I mean, people play drinking games for the Oscars, any draft in any sport, Scooby Doo. Hell, there is even a drinking game out there for reading Bill Simmons' column. Reading! (alas, I can not find that link). If I am so inclined I may try to come up with a few of my favorite drinking games (not beruit, that antisocial party killing waste of space game that I only play if there are only four people in which case its a depressing party anyway).

AH HA! I have found the link with the Bill Simmons drinking game, along with several other ESPN themed games. Thanks Deadspin! Without further ado, udo, umm, without wating any longer, the ESPN drinking games!

I Just Had A Thought

Nope, just lost it. I think it had something to do with Mel Gibson, or Ari Gold, one of the two. Don't you hate when that happens. When you lose your train of thought. Don't you have that even more when it's because you're kinda hungover. Actually, now that I think of it, when you're hungover at least you have an excuse. When you're in good condition it just means ur brain sucks.

I just have to make it to 5:30 today. Once I start drinking I won't be hungover any longer.

At Least They Were Subtle

As pointed out by Deadspin, a Toronto Argonauts intern was tied to a goal post. He then got sugar dumped on him.

This, of course, is much more a subtle technique to show an intern how important they are over the traditional method of not paying them and making them get you coffee.

Today Is A Good Day

After last nights drunken 9/11 tirade I needed to put myself in a better mood while waiting for my coffee to kick in. This did the trick.

Something Doesn't Feel Right About This

I'm sure you've (as in my readers, as in myself) all heard about the World Trade Center Movie coming out. Well apparently this movie tested really well with teens. I read one quote that said, to paraphrase, "This movie made 9/11 feel real for me. It didn't seem real at the time."

Ok fine, it did well with teens. But this movie is not about marketing, right? It's about telling this incredibly story of these two Port Authority cops.

Apparently not. The movie has a MySpace page. I now give to you a comment from the myspace comments section for this movie. This comment is left by mmmBUTTER =], a 16 year old from "SAV912", wherever the fuck that is. She writes:

thys movie l0oks pimp. ima definitely see it!!
=]

That's exactly what I think of when I think about 9/11. Not the people who's lives ended or were changed forever. I think of a "PIMP" story that "ima" see. Fuck.

I'm Not A Nice Person

No, as the headline states, I am not a nice person. I found this out when I read saw the headline of this article on Jason Varitek and proceded to pump my fist in the air.

YouTube Playing Tricks On Me

It's very hot outside in New York. Veerrry Hot. Almost 100 degrees plus humidity. Its really fucking hot out. Now that I got that out of the way, why is the video up on the main page at YouTube?



I thought media on the Internet was supposed to be timely.

I Don't Like Al Gore Right Now

I blame him for this

Weather for New York, NY

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